My dearest Pakistan,
This isn’t easy for
me, and I want you to know that. We’ve fought plenty of crime together in the
past, from our joint missions against the Soviet Union (I know, it’s still
awkward to bring up the U-2 incident) to taking down the A.Q. Khan network in
2004 (I can't help but blame you for not acting sooner). I remember my loving welcoming
message to you in 1950; you were such a nascent, promisingly brilliant country
and I admired you for everything you had already accomplished. You went through
your regime changes, we clandestinely propped you up along the way from time to
time, and through the decades I evolved myself. Before I knew it, you had come
into your own, nuclear capabilities and all. I don’t think proud is the right
word, because I wasn’t proud of you – the whole A.Q. Khan nonsense stripped you
of any pride I had – but I respected you, as a formidable ally and someone I
could not only confide in, but trust. I was ready to take on the twenty-first
century with you by my side.
Now, we both know
I’ve had horrendous relationships in the past – just look at Iran in the 1950s
and 1960s (they won’t call me back now) and Panama in the 1970s (Noriega turned
out not to be my type). I don’t want to get into details, but let’s just say
I’ve been around the block a few times. I can’t blame you entirely for problems
between us, because I’ve never been able to learn from my past, and as our
relationship has evolved I’ve begun to notice more and more similarities
between you and my exes.
Pres. Obama and Pres. Zardari in happier times. White House photo.
You might disagree,
but at this point it seems like this is a one-sided relationship. I’ve been
giving you almost $8 billion a year to help me fight terrorism, and I just
don’t see where that money is going. Yes,
you tell me, we’re doing a
better and better job eliminating Taliban and al-Qaeda hideouts in our rural
regions, yet they still keep coming in record numbers and undermining what
I’m doing for Afghanistan. And I know you’re tired of hearing it, but I can’t
let the whole Osama bin-Laden thing go. You were cheating on me that entire
time with him? And of course you
couldn’t get rid of him and hide it from me the way you should have – instead,
I had to come in on my own volition and discover him there? That hurt.
Clearly, everything
I do for you is not appreciated as much as it should be, and I’m tired of
propping up this relationship just to keep you happy. Sooner or later, I need
to think of myself, and my own best interests. It is because of all this that I
have to end things with you, Pakistan. I’m not going to move on and pretend
like nothing happened, because we did have some good times, and we have come
such a long way together since you were part of India pre-WWII. But it’s
time to let go. I want you to take this well; I will be here if you need to talk,
and I sincerely hope the best for you.
With love and sadness,
The United States
Nicely done!
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