Human Rights and Peace Triumph Across the Globe

In a shocking turn of events today, Kim Jong-un retracted his previous threats to use preemptive nuclear strikes against South Korea and the U.S., instead announcing a plan to point the country's "missiles" at China instead. In a statement, the often unpredictable North Korean leader said, “After decades of a close friendship, North Koreans have come to realize that China is about to take sh*t over. We’d prefer it not be us.” Further shocking observers, Mr. Kim announced a divorce from his current wife, insisting that he is now engaged to South Korea’s Prime Minister Park Geun-hye. The two were seen canoodling in a Pyongyang internet café soon after the announcement.

Official portrait of Kim Jong Un

Apparently in response to the shifting alliances on the continent, Japan and China agreed to shelve their dispute over the Senkaku-Diaoyu islands and form The League of Asian BAMFs for regional security. Japanese Prime Minister Abe said of the move, “Hell, they’re just a couple stupid rocks. We’ll just split ‘em and cut our losses.” His counterpart in China, Li Xinping, responded, “Those upstart Koreans won’t know what hit them when they have the LOABAMFs coming at them.” China and Japan then unfriended both Koreas on Weibo.

The Middle East also saw some surprising developments over the weekend. Syrian President Bashar al-Asad admitted that he’s “been kind of a dick” and unilaterally stepped down from the presidency, turning himself over to the International Criminal Court to be prosecuted for war crimes. A stable, unified opposition will assume the seat of power in Damascus later this week, to be followed by free and fair elections later in 2013. When asked what prompted the move, Asad said, “All of a sudden it hit me that I had murdered 70,000 human beings, and still no one did a damn thing about it. I repeat, that’s 70,000 humans without a single intervention. I had to remove myself since no one else would do it.” Asad added that he believes he deserves the death penalty for his actions.

Asad's latest move marks a distinct deviation from previous policy.

Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu hailed the move as a goodwill political gesture that he would meet with his own: he announced the immediate cessation of settlement building, a full withdrawal over the next year from the Occupied Territories, reparations to be paid to Palestinians for war crimes and lost property, and the immediate creation of a two-state solution in negotiations with no preconditions. Hamas responded by disavowing violence against Israelis and adopting a reconciliation pact with Fatah, as well as announcing the creation of a freely elected Palestinian government.

So moved by Netanyahu’s announcement were President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Ayatollah Khameinei that they opened their borders to IAEA inspectors forthwith, and pledged to shut down all nuclear enrichment for weaponization purposes. They also offered both Israel and the United States treaties providing for mutual defense in the region as well as bilateral security arrangements. The elections due to take place later this year will offer full access to international observers to ensure that they meet international democratic standards.

Perhaps the most unexpected news from the weekend was the resurrection of Hugo Chavez. Claiming to be “the Jesus of socialism,” the late(ish) leader who passed away last month burst forth from his cave in Venezuela and shouted, “April fool’s b*tches!”