In a shocking turn of events today, Kim Jong-un retracted
his previous threats to use preemptive nuclear strikes against South Korea and
the U.S., instead announcing a plan to point the country's "missiles" at China instead. In
a statement, the often unpredictable North Korean leader said, “After decades
of a close friendship, North Koreans have come to realize that China is about
to take sh*t over. We’d prefer it not be us.” Further shocking observers, Mr.
Kim announced a divorce from his current wife, insisting that he is now engaged
to South Korea’s Prime Minister Park Geun-hye. The two were seen canoodling in
a Pyongyang internet café soon after the announcement.
Official portrait of Kim Jong Un
Apparently in response to the shifting alliances on the
continent, Japan and China agreed to shelve their dispute over the
Senkaku-Diaoyu islands and form The League of Asian BAMFs for regional
security. Japanese Prime Minister Abe said of the move, “Hell, they’re just a
couple stupid rocks. We’ll just split ‘em and cut our losses.” His counterpart
in China, Li Xinping, responded, “Those upstart Koreans won’t know what hit
them when they have the LOABAMFs coming at them.” China and Japan then unfriended both Koreas on Weibo.
